When you took the quiz, the answers came back to just one word: selfish.

I want to stay with that a bit longer, because five minutes and a quiz result doesn’t give it the space it deserves. Or acknowledge the pain of that judgement.

That word didn’t show up on its own, or by magic. Perhaps it came from a look, a comment that landed harder than anyone meant it to, or maybe exactly as hard as they meant it to.

More likely, it was many little looks or moments or words, from different people.

You wanted to be a good girl, you wanted to belong and these looks and words drew you to make a conclusion. If you wanted to belong and feel loved and safe, you must never think of yourself first.

“Who do you think you are?”

Others are the priority. They come first.

It’s selfish to think or do anything that doesn’t follow the rules. And you will be judged and found to be bad. You’ll not have that belonging you’re desperate for.

Eventually, you took over the judge’s job.

You say it now. Judge and jury, delivering the same verdict, over and over: Selfish.

Working with women who have been given this label, I notice it rarely shows up for anything dramatic.

It’s not usually about asking for a raise, or ending a relationship that isn’t working.

It’s about taking twenty minutes for yourself, door closed to your room, not worrying if anyone needs you.

Or sitting down with a cuppa, away from your desk for a few minutes before you hit the keyboard again.

An unread message that can wait until morning, because it’s 5pm and hometime.

Small things – guarded by a very old, very serious court.

That court was built by your tiny self, doing her best in a world that taught her survival meant “Stay small to stay safe.” Keep everyone else first and foremost, stay useful, stay out of the way. You built it well.

And now you’re running the whole court.
But you’re not small anymore. And the rules that kept you safe then might just be the same rules keeping you stuck now.

Stuck with a label that you don’t deserve. Because you never received the update email. We can do that now, if you’re ready.

I don’t have a five-step plan for taking the court down. I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t work for you. But I do think it starts with noticing – catching the gavel mid-swing, and asking: Is this the judgement I want to give myself?

What if there was another way?

Like in the workshop, I think you can be BRAVE. Finding your courage, delving into your inner wisdom (not following a five-step plan), will get you further, faster.

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